Migration, inter-racial marriage & domestic violence in Germany

Scenario: From Africa and have decided, (usually at short-term notice), to migrate to Germany for marital purposes. You probably first met on an online dating site or platform. You have had one or two physical encounters while visiting their home country. You also probably met them while you were already here as a student or working. Whatever the case, neither of you knows the other.

Based on the above scenario, “Is there a high risk of potential domestic violence and abuse shortly?”Yes, there is. A Power Imbalance relates to four (4) common key areas: Immigration Status, Language, Finances, and Social Isolation.

What are the Warning Signs (red flags) that can assist the migrant in assessing the relationship before making life-changing decisions?

1. Speed and Pressure to Marry: Red Flag: He rushes the relationship, proposing marriage quickly and pushing for your immediate migration from your home. Why does it matter? Abusive individuals often accelerate commitment to gain control before their partner knows them well and can figure out their shortcomings.
2. Control Over Communication: Red Flag: He discourages her from talking to male friends, monitoring her messages, or insisting on constant updates of whatever she does. Why does it matter? Early signs of possessiveness can become controlling behaviour once she is isolated in a foreign country.
3. Disrespect for Her Autonomy: Red Flag: He comments, ” You do not need to work. I will take care of you, “or “You should stay home once you are here. You can learn the language online or by watching cartoons and movies on television. “Why does it matter? They may seem caring, but this tactic makes her financially dependent and isolates her from making friends and learning about the German system.
4. Inconsistent & Manipulative Behaviour: Red Flag: He quickly switches between affection and coldness. He says things like,” You are lucky I chose you!” or guilt-trips her: “After all I have done for you……”Why does this matter? Manipulation often starts subtly and escalates to emotional abuse.
5. Disrespect for Her Culture. He mocks and dismisses her traditions, food, language and religious beliefs. Why does this matter? This indicates he may try to erase her identity once she migrates.
6. A History of Failed Relationships or Secretiveness: Red Flag: He is vague about past relationships, changes the topic, or says all his exes were “crazy,” “ungrateful,” or ” cheaters.” Why does this matter? This often signals a pattern of abuse where a partner never takes accountability at all.
7. Unclear About Legal or Immigration Matters: Red Flag: He avoids giving clear answers about Visa sponsorship or residency rights, or insists she marry him immediately as the only way to stay in Germany.
8. Isolation Plans: Red Flag: He says things like You do not need friends here, that is how we Germans live in privacy. Alternatively, he plans for her to live far away from the cities or where there are nearby African communities. Why does it matter? Abusers thrive when their partner belongs to them and has no social network.
9. Dismisses her Concerns: Red Flag: If she asks difficult questions, he responds with anger, sarcasm or silence. Why does it matter? Healthy partners in a healthy relationship welcome and value communication.
10. Shows Entitlement: Red Flag: He behaves like he is doing her a favour by marrying her and bringing her to Germany. Why does this matter? The imbalance can and often leads to control, manipulation and exploitation.
11. PRACTICAL TIPS BEFORE MIGRANT –MARRIAGE LIFE _DECISIONS:
12. A: BACKGROUND CHECK: Research him online. Ask for official identification. Verify where he lives and works, and familiarise yourself with the area. It is a German right to have that information about someone inviting you.
13. B: SPEAK WITH OTHERS: Ask to speak with his friends and family members and be introduced to them, preferably via video call.
14. C: INVOLVE YOUR COMMUNITY: Share your travel and marriage plans with family and trusted people in your home country. Ask for honest feedback, especially if they met him during his visits. Do not be defensive about their views instead ask politely for clarity. Most migrants fail to heed warnings, especially since during the courtship, there is a lot of love -bombing and only outsiders can notice red flags faster, like over-possessiveness and control, and sometimes, even a lack of respect for your traditions and way of African living.
15. : KNOW YOUR RIGHTS: Learn about immigration rights, women’s and children’s rights, and domestic violence protection rights in Germany. Familiarise yourself with the internet to easily integrate into the German system faster.
16. HAVE YOUR OWN MONEY AND DOCUMENTS: Make sure you can access your passport, identity card, medical card, bank cards, transport cards, and emergency funds. Also, please have at least contact with African groups in your area; you can always Google them, e.g., Kenyan women in Germany. V. or Rafiki e. V., among many others, in every state in Germany. Also, have the contact for the Kenyan Embassy in Germany, they will direct you to an African migrant group in your area
17. Conclusion: You Are Not Alone!.- Check my article: Where to seek help in Germany, both men and women